2 years

2 years ago today I thought my heart would never mend and my eyes would never dry. Today marks the 2nd anniversary that Dan and I lost our first child. We had only been married less than 5 months and enduring one of the most painful experiences any couple can bear. The days and months following were some of the darkest and most difficult days of my life. The pain is unexplainable and still is hard to deal with some days. I wish I could say my heart has healed and my eyes were now dry but neither is true. Many things have changed since that awful day. We now have our wonderful son Michael and baby #2 is doing wonderful and is due in September. Even with both blessings in our lives (and the countless other blessings we have) there are still days I struggle that my other baby is not with us too. The tears don't come as often and the heartache has changed but I will forever hold my dear baby in my heart.

A wonderful Day

Today I am so thankful for all the blessings I have in my life. I have a wonderful husband whom I love and he loves me. We have a great son Michael who is the light of our lives, and we're both very excited and anxious for baby #2. Even though I don't fare well in the first trimester of pregnancy with all day morning sickness and being SOOO tired it's worth it. Only a few more weeks till the 2nd trimester and I start feeling normal again. I just try and remember that the awfulness doesn't last forever. Also I am so thankful for the many great friends we have in our lives. I had lunch today with one of my favorite mommys, Without here close by to me I would be lost and probably truly hate Tulsa. In the last year she has become an even better friend than I could have ever imagined. Now I'm going to take Michael for a walk and enjoy the beautiful weather while it lasts!

Drs visit

Today was doctors appointment and things were wonderful! I saw my sweet baby and saw it's wonderful heart beating. I have an official due date of Sept 24 with delivery about Sept 10. Dan is away on business so he wasn't able to share this joyous moment with me but I did get some pictures to bring home. Baby even gave me a little wave as if to say "hi Mom". Besides the ever feeling of morning sickness and just being tired I am on cloud 9 that today turned out so wonderful and baby is doing great. It truly is an amazing miracle that babies are born and I thank God for bringing this baby in our lives.

Tomorrow

Tonight I'm going to bed as a mother of two. My sweet darling Michael and his brother or sister who is currently snug and growing in ny womb. Tomorrow I have an ultrasound. Normally for most women this is an exciting, joyous moment in a pregnancy. A chance to see their little one and see how much they've grown. For me it seems more like an agonizing wait in which I always fear the worst. It was at a normal drs visit almost 2 years ago when I was also one of those eager women waiting to see how much my baby had grown only to find out my baby no longer had a beating heart and I would never be able to hold her or raise her as my husband and I had dreamed. I had no signs of trouble or anything to make me thinm things would turn out so awful that day. Now as I'm just a few days past 10 weeks the fear and worry is mounting all over again. As my belly has swollen so much that normal pants don't fit already I am more than attached and in love with this little life inside me. Tomorrow hopefully goes smooth and is a normal visit but I still hold the fear in my heart that the worst will come. But for tonight, I look at the sweet son I am able to hold in my arms and dream of the day I will also hold the baby who's quickly growing in my womb. Tonight I go to bed as a mother with two dear blessings in my life and I hope that tomorrow nothing will change that.

1st Blog!

So here goes nothing....
I love reading my friend's blogs and since we now have a little one in the picture I figure I should at least try writing one myself. Even if no one reads it at least I can go back and remember all the small fun things in Michael's childhood (or that's the hope at least!). Time is already flying by and I wish I would have started long before him but there's no time like the present.

Michael is quickly turning into more of a kid then my little baby. He's 7 1/2 months old and I don't know where that time has gone. He's so independent I know I should be thankful but it makes my heart a little sad. He is more than happy to sit on the floor and play with his toys alone until he gets hungry, needs changed or it's nap time. Unless it's in the middle of the night or he's not feeling well he no longer just wants to cuddle. He'd rather be exploring or having fun. I love how his personality is blooming. He is quiet the flirt and loves to laugh. He has so many facial expressions and is very good at moving his eyebrows which I find quiet funny. It's funny how a little one changes your life so quickly.

Speaking of life changing we found out we're expecting baby #2 on January 12th. It wasn't exactly planned but a very welcomed surprise. Baby Z should be here sometime in September. I'm hoping for an all around easier and less stressful pregnancy this time around. This is my 4th pregnancy since Dan and I got married in October 2009 so as would be expected we are anxious and a little nervous that things continue successfully. We went to see my Dr for the first time yesterday and it was not exactly the visit we were hoping for. I'm seeing a new Dr. and I absolutely love her (for now) and she seems to be very knowelgable in my high risk blood issues. I started on blood thinners yesterday which makes me feel a little better, although I hate giving myself shots. We also had an ultrasound and while we were hoping to see a heartbeat we really didn't see anything. I go back in another week to see how things have progressed and go from there. The Dr. suggested that I probably wasn't as far along as we had thought (since I'm still nursing Michael full time it's thrown things off a bit) and I'm hoping that's all it is. The thought of loosing another baby puts me in a very bad place. So for now I will keep praying, try and stay hopeful and kiss Michael a little bit more than he probably appreciates.

That's all for now....